Saturday, January 23, 2010

Still whelmed, still alive (cheesy post? It's probable)

It's ok though. I mean, obviously I'm thankful to still be alive, but school is stressing me out like none other. No matter how hard I try I feel stressed all the time, about my book, about friends, about my education, about finances, about life.

I had an epiphany though (one that maybe I should have had a lot sooner); that won't ever change. Like it or not, there will always be problems, there will always be pressure, and (no matter how hard I try to avoid it) there will always, ALWAYS be drama in some form or another.

Bigger epiphany: I'm ok with that.

I'll probably forget this peaceful feeling when I'm at the library tomorrow, reading a book that I can't afford to buy and wondering how on earth I'm going to write a paper on it, but it's all ok.

It's proof that I want to do well, that I won't settle for failure, that I'm still striving to be a better person.

And when that isn't enough (because a lot of the times it isn't, and all I want to do is sit on a beach and write my book or splash around in the waves), I'll have people there who understand what I'm going through, because they're going through it too. And even when we should be working, sometimes we'll know to take a break, sit back, and have a glass of wine.

Then return to the craziness we all call life.

Hedonism may be tempting sometimes, but at this moment, with all the pressure on my shoulders, I still think it's worth it to suffer through college, as long as I can have some wine and good company along the way.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

I'm whelmed

I thought that after a half of a college education, I finally got the handle on this whole "school" thing.

I was wrong.

The reading for all my classes piled up, and before I knew it, I was staring at a solid five hundred pages of reading, due within the next two days.


Not that the information isn't interesting, but, I'm so nervous and overwhelmed. I'm terrified that I won't finish. Not that I've never slacked off on my reading, but I just wanted to be on top of my studies. I want to do well this quarter. Like, really well. And at this early point, I already foresee myself failing.

I know. I know what you're thinking. "If you think you'll fail, you'll fail." But I'm shaking in my boots. I think that's my biggest fear; failure.

A small part of me is convinced that I'll flunk out of school at some point, that my book will be laughed at, that my life will become a wreck, a complete waste.

(Insert Panic attack here)

I'll deal with it though. I mean, I've survived a full two decades thus far without failing too miserably. I could have done worse, right?

Meh. At least I can say I've tried.

I'm going to go and try to tackle my humongous reading assignment, and daydream about the day that Ryan Reynolds falls in love with me (for the win!). Reading retention = zero percent.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Footloose and other melodramatic things

It's really hard to focus on the drama when listening to Footloose, which may or may not be the reason I'm blasting it right now.

I want to focus on the awesome in my life right now, not the drama, because I am a firm believer that anger and frustration only feeds the drama in one's life. Unfortunately, I am high strung with a VERY short temper.

So let's talk about the good before I spend three pages venting.

Winter quarter has started, my final edits for the book before I send it out, my teacher finally sent out his edits for my first chapter. Basically Morgantown = Win. As for my life? Not bad either. I'm boldly going where I've never gone before: Mornings. Hopefully that works out. We'll see. And two classes seem very awesome, which leaves two classes for me to fret about.

It's probably not going to be as bad as I think it will. I just have to put the pedal to the metal or something like that, and it'll be fine. I even have a library schedule, since my library runs at the end of last quarter put the power behind my exponentially increased productivity levels.

Money is not too hot right now. I'm working a lot of shifts, but even with the loan I took out, book costs for this quarter are through the roof, and I think my teachers are trying to put me into debt. They're out to get me.

Haha, just kidding. I don't think they're out to get me. I'm not in high school anymore.

Speaking of high school, and drama, I've recently been in more than a few situations that remind me what I don't like in a person.

It's never fun to meet the downside of people, but lately I've been doing a lot of that. Not that I've lost faith in humanity (I haven't seen Avatar yet, though, so who knows?), I just know what kind of person I want to associate myself with, and sometimes I misjudge it.

I don't even want to think about what I've been bitching about for the past few days, because really, my life is pretty damn awesome. Everyone has their demons though, I know that. But some things can't be explained away just because "it's a problem," or "my life is hard."

There comes a time when you either rise above it, or fall victim to it.

And I won't hang around people who use their situation as an excuse. I'm sorry. I just won't.

Thats my vent. I'm done now.

I still haven't decided about my summer plans though... help?