Walking the fine line

I'm not sure whether I should be tackling the second book right now. See, my stories always start as a crazy mixture of things I've seen and people I've met, with complete absurdity thrown in. They move around until I think I have a story.

But it's not a story yet.

Not even close.

Not the right story at least.

The story changes umpteen billion times until finally, I write it down.

But the problem I'm having now is that I don't know whether I should be writing it down when it changes so frequently. Am I not ready, or am I procrastinating the inevitable?

And would the story have changed much more had I not written it down in the first place? No, not much at least. I think to a degree I hit a point where I just need to get it out, where I need words to solidify the chaos in my mind, because without them I would only have the most emotional scenes worked out. Even then, it varies.

I can't afford to be this erratic if I want to be a professional writer. I just can't.

So what's the answer to my dilemma? I suppose I sort of half-know the answer already.

Suck it up and write.

Nut up or shut up.

Alright, explicit pep talk-esque sayings aside, I've already begun to write. If the story changes, I can always take the scenes and switch them a bit. It's not like I didn't do that with the first book at all. Some of my ideas change, some die, and some spring up from nowhere in the middle of a random conversation. I love those random ideas. They're usually the winners.

Sigh. Ok. Work now.

Note: I don't expect this blog to make sense to anyone other than myself and maybe three other people. Unless you're a writer, or clinically insane.

mmkay bye now!

Still whelmed, still alive (cheesy post? It's probable)

It's ok though. I mean, obviously I'm thankful to still be alive, but school is stressing me out like none other. No matter how hard I try I feel stressed all the time, about my book, about friends, about my education, about finances, about life.

I had an epiphany though (one that maybe I should have had a lot sooner); that won't ever change. Like it or not, there will always be problems, there will always be pressure, and (no matter how hard I try to avoid it) there will always, ALWAYS be drama in some form or another.

Bigger epiphany: I'm ok with that.

I'll probably forget this peaceful feeling when I'm at the library tomorrow, reading a book that I can't afford to buy and wondering how on earth I'm going to write a paper on it, but it's all ok.

It's proof that I want to do well, that I won't settle for failure, that I'm still striving to be a better person.

And when that isn't enough (because a lot of the times it isn't, and all I want to do is sit on a beach and write my book or splash around in the waves), I'll have people there who understand what I'm going through, because they're going through it too. And even when we should be working, sometimes we'll know to take a break, sit back, and have a glass of wine.

Then return to the craziness we all call life.

Hedonism may be tempting sometimes, but at this moment, with all the pressure on my shoulders, I still think it's worth it to suffer through college, as long as I can have some wine and good company along the way.

I'm whelmed

I thought that after a half of a college education, I finally got the handle on this whole "school" thing.

I was wrong.

The reading for all my classes piled up, and before I knew it, I was staring at a solid five hundred pages of reading, due within the next two days.

Oy.

Not that the information isn't interesting, but, I'm so nervous and overwhelmed. I'm terrified that I won't finish. Not that I've never slacked off on my reading, but I just wanted to be on top of my studies. I want to do well this quarter. Like, really well. And at this early point, I already foresee myself failing.

I know. I know what you're thinking. "If you think you'll fail, you'll fail." But I'm shaking in my boots. I think that's my biggest fear; failure.

A small part of me is convinced that I'll flunk out of school at some point, that my book will be laughed at, that my life will become a wreck, a complete waste.

(Insert Panic attack here)

I'll deal with it though. I mean, I've survived a full two decades thus far without failing too miserably. I could have done worse, right?

Meh. At least I can say I've tried.

I'm going to go and try to tackle my humongous reading assignment, and daydream about the day that Ryan Reynolds falls in love with me (for the win!). Reading retention = zero percent.

Footloose and other melodramatic things

It's really hard to focus on the drama when listening to Footloose, which may or may not be the reason I'm blasting it right now.

I want to focus on the awesome in my life right now, not the drama, because I am a firm believer that anger and frustration only feeds the drama in one's life. Unfortunately, I am high strung with a VERY short temper.

So let's talk about the good before I spend three pages venting.

Winter quarter has started, my final edits for the book before I send it out, my teacher finally sent out his edits for my first chapter. Basically Morgantown = Win. As for my life? Not bad either. I'm boldly going where I've never gone before: Mornings. Hopefully that works out. We'll see. And two classes seem very awesome, which leaves two classes for me to fret about.

It's probably not going to be as bad as I think it will. I just have to put the pedal to the metal or something like that, and it'll be fine. I even have a library schedule, since my library runs at the end of last quarter put the power behind my exponentially increased productivity levels.

Money is not too hot right now. I'm working a lot of shifts, but even with the loan I took out, book costs for this quarter are through the roof, and I think my teachers are trying to put me into debt. They're out to get me.

Haha, just kidding. I don't think they're out to get me. I'm not in high school anymore.

Speaking of high school, and drama, I've recently been in more than a few situations that remind me what I don't like in a person.

It's never fun to meet the downside of people, but lately I've been doing a lot of that. Not that I've lost faith in humanity (I haven't seen Avatar yet, though, so who knows?), I just know what kind of person I want to associate myself with, and sometimes I misjudge it.

I don't even want to think about what I've been bitching about for the past few days, because really, my life is pretty damn awesome. Everyone has their demons though, I know that. But some things can't be explained away just because "it's a problem," or "my life is hard."

There comes a time when you either rise above it, or fall victim to it.

And I won't hang around people who use their situation as an excuse. I'm sorry. I just won't.

Thats my vent. I'm done now.

I still haven't decided about my summer plans though... help?

From the ports of Delaware to the Redwood Forests

I'm worried about this summer.

I want it to be great, and since last summer, though fun, was not exactly great, I want to fix it. After all, this is my last summer of freedom. Pure, jobless, painless freedom.

And of course I have some ideas on what I'd like to do with it.

There are two options thus far; California or Delaware.

In California, I'd work in the Redwood forests at a travel lodge, in the thickets of nature. I'd be doing minor housecleaning and/or working at the gift store. I think I can handle it, but I'm not sure.

The good? I'd get to roam the forests and live on site for cheap. Nature, head on, not to mention a lot of research for my third book... muahahaha

The bad? I'd live on site. They said, and I quote, "lodging is one step up from camping." I think I can handle that. Of course, food storage rules would be strictly enforced, due to the LARGE BLACK BEAR POPULATION. Um, gulp?

The Ugly. Mice, spiders, and tics. Now, mice, I've never really had a problem with. Spiders, well, I need to get over that someday. But tics are another matter entirely. I've heard mixed reviews, from them burrowing completely inside somebody, to "they're just like mosquitos." Since I've never experienced a tic myself, I've of course imagined the worst case scenario, and that scares the shit out of me.

In Delaware, I would be in a volunteer/training program on a tall sail ship. A friend/acquaintance (alright, she's an acquaintance that I wish I'd known better) went through this program, and now sails the high seas FOR PAY whenever she pleases. I've been giving a lot of thought to a nomadic lifestyle, and this would definitely be a help. It sounds unconventional, adventurous, crazy.

The good? I'd be on a ship. Hello? Pirates of the Caribbean! I'd be with a bunch of crazy awesome people that I've never met, learning how to sail while on the high seas in the midst of summer.

The bad? I'm still not sure. There's the fact that I would know no one. Like, absolutely no one. I was brave enough to do it on the trip to Israel, but that blew up in my face. The 10% of me that is fiercely introverted took over my body, and as a result I made no friends, and had an awful time (ok it was still fun, but I would have had a better time had I just opened up). I don't know if I have to pay for lodging and board, and I'd be making no money.

The Ugly. Let's face it. I'm lazy at times, and this job is straight up hard labor. Not housekeeping, not sales; hard fucking labor. If I take either one of these jobs, I can't leave. I'm stuck, possibly miserable, for the entirety of my summer. My Last Summer. Did I mention I wouldn't know anyone? That scares the crap out of me.

I feel now is the appropriate time to tell myself these wondrous words of advice I learned from a new favorite movie of mine: Nut up or shut up.

I mean, really Kira. You wanted this. You wanted an adventure, to test your limits, the boundaries of what you can do, what you want out of the world. You aren't seriously going to run from the first test of truth with your tail between your legs?

Oh god, I'm talking to myself.

Sorry.

I just. I dunno. Sometimes it's smart to be scared. Aristotle said that. Or maybe Plato. One of 'em.

What do I DOOOOO??? What if I choose the wrong choice? What if I screw myself over completely? Or what if I don't follow through on either of them and spend my LAST summer in Wisconsin or Texas, rotting away without a license, at the mercy of my friends and parents like the sixteen year old I never wanted to be?

ARG.

Dear God,

Please choose for me, and make the right choice. Kthxbye.

-Kira (your loyal supporter, even if you didn't know it)

Merry Christmas

And a happy new year.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm actually looking forwards to the new year. Going out! It'll be the first one not spent in front of the television with family.

Not that I'm anti family. I'm just anti sitting in the front room celebrating the fact that I'm still alive. I mean, shouldn't you do something special to celebrate the fact that you're still alive?

That's what I think, at least.

I think that new years are the same thing as birthdays, except more generalized. So go out and live it up this new year's eve. I know I will be.

As for updates. I'm at home, doing nothing but playing WoW and editing. Hanging out with friends occasionally, but mostly not. I'm almost done editing, but I won't go anymore into that. If you want to know more, check out this blog, and leave a comment so I know I'm not writing for open air.

I can't wait for summer, because I'm the kinda girl who can't sit in one place for too long before losing it a little. I need a road trip. Now.

Finished up season 2 of Desperate Housewives. Spoiler: They're still desperate. I never know why I continue to watch, but something must have me hooked or I'd have stopped already. I'm more like Bree than I'd like to admit. You won't understand that unless you know me AND the show.

Alright, I think that about wraps up my life right now, other than I'm sinking into the "Dark Country" genre of music. Just because that's where my writing usually takes me. Well, that and West Virginia. Yeah. I know. What's a yankee doing trying to imagine life in the deep south?

Your guess is as good as mine. Well, other than the fact that werewolves can't run around in Wisconsin. They'd get shot like three minutes into the full moon. By hunters wearing cheese hats and orange vests.

Still alive

I'm still with the werewolves too, if you're wondering.

The truth is I'm kind of lazy with just about everything but writing (and sometimes even that too), so this and my other blog has suffered my neglect.

Sorry.

So, updates, I suppose.

My new love in music is the indie band, Iron and Wine, who are down low, chill, and emotionally intense (sans cheesiness). I'm enamored. Completely and totally.

I've finished up fall quarter of Junior year, and the next time I experience it, it will be my last. Crrazy right? I dunno how I feel finishing college, even if it does mean more free time and less stress. I feel like even though life gets harder and age can often mean wisdom, humans get increasingly dumb as they age. Not in all respects, but a lot of them. Needless to say, I'm worried. Oh. I got two A's and a C+ this quarter. I'm not too happy about that C+.

ALL of my series are on some sort of cruel and unusual hiatus, just in time for my three week stretch of nothingness. Great coordination, TV. Perfect.

I'm STILL working on my book. Yes, it's going. Like the energizer bunny. Except, maybe picture the bunny with a hammer, hitting me on the head repeatedly. It's still going. I've got this strange love hate relationship with it, an odd mixture of pain and pleasure, the hope for salvation paired inevitably with the fear of failure. I sense that this is the kind of thing lovers go through, except more talking.

I hope to finish editing the damn thing by the end of break, just in time to put myself through query hell as classes start. I'm a masochist, by the way.

Also, the weather here has reached "cold as a witch's tit," as quoted from my mother, which is great. I'm really happy that winter is here so I can enjoy it, and I'm extra happy that I'm not with my grandma and dad down in Puerto Rico, where it will probably be 75 degrees on Christmas day. GOD that would suck. No, I prefer polar bear weather.

...

Sorry about the pessimism, guys. It's late, and my internet connection is shaky, at best.

I'll end with this: I've started book two, I got some awesome headphones, and I've learned a lot since my last post.

Much love,

-K